the identity

Hey friend, 

I’ve been exploring ideas of the “identity”

The thing that we create to present to the world in order to be received, loved, acknowleged, celebrated. 

The character that becomes so ingrained its hard to separate from the truth of what we actually are. 

Through the process of writing, sitting, asking questions, being in spaces that expand me, more of my own constructed identity has begun to surface. 

See, I always sought out love & attention by trying to do great things. “Wild”, “crazy”, things. 

Whether it was fighting as kid, playing rugby league at a high level in my teens, making money from a young age, travelling to strange & dangerous places, taking lots of substances, being with woman, being fearless…

And there was also authentic reasons for all of those things, but so much of it was to confirm this identity that I had created- that I wanted to live up to.

And I enjoyed pushing myself to live up to it- until I didn’t anymore. 

Until now, this year when more of this has been revealed, and I just have no interest in being the guy that I thought that I had to be.

I don’t have the energy or the inspiration for it- it doesn’t fulfil me or give me the buzz like it used to.

See, I had this idea of me in my old age, wrinkled skin, milky eyes, weathered cheeks, sitting around a fire with those I love, and having my grandkids, great grandkids being able to look into my eyes, and tell that I had done the thing. I had lived the life, I had found out what it was all about.

That I would be able to tell stories of great adventures that would be inspire them for their own lives. 

And hey, that may seem nice and reasonable - and there’s nothing wrong with it- but this way of being & thinking about my life just doesn’t serve me anymore. 

Because I just don’t want to live my life in the service of what I think others may think of me. 

No matter who that is. 

I don’t want to need to be received by others.

I don’t want to be dependant on others to acknowledge the brilliance & significance of what I am and what I am creating.

And I would rather live what is true to me, and have not a single person appreciate it- than to live my life in the service of how I think others may receive it.

And to be honest- it may not change a thing that I choose to actually do - but it will completely change the energy & the reason of why I am doing it- and the experience of it altogether. 

This has all been unconscious. I would have never said these things about what I was doing. 

And like I said it was mixed with authentic reasons too. 

But now, I am finally ready to completely release who I thought I had to be…

So that I can finally embrace all that I am.

I do not need to be some character of adventure or success or whatever. 

What I am is beyond description and beyond words. 

The fullness of what I am, will only ever be truly seen & received by me.

And the beautiful thing about living this way- is that when you release your dependence for love & attention from others, you look around & find a life full of people that you love. 

The adventure always awaits,

-Jay

Jay Topp is a 24 year old writer, marketer, film maker & self-led educator originally from Australia, now based in Buenos Aires, Argentina. You can see his films here. Instagram here. And his business website here.

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