leave my gf?

Hey friends, 

I received a question from Rob.

“Hallo Jay, Do I have to break up with my girlfriend because I desperately need the school you are offering, and I desperately need to change my life? Dear regards, Robs.”

I’ll start by saying that relationships are not my expertise. And I don’t have a direct answer here. I’ve had beautiful relationships with woman from all over the world. Some of have been fulfilling, some I definitely wouldn’t go for round 2. I’m very much an early stage student here. 

But here’s what I have learnt and some thoughts…

You can never get rid of anyone or anything from your life, all you can do it change your relationship to those person and things. 

So something to consider, is that the process of growth itself, is the process of creating new relationships. New relationship to yourself, to the people you love, to your business, to everything in your life. So going on a growth journey, like your own self-led education - will require all your relationships to change- not because its a recommendation but because its the nature of growth. 

Depending on your partner, they will either support this growth or be extremely challenged by it. It may inspire them to go on their own growth journey, or it may trigger them a lot and cause them to want to impede your journey because it may make them feel uncomfortable. At the end of the day, this is a single player game, every can only live their own life. 

When you go on this journey, chances are you feel a big desire to want to share all you uncover, to want to give it to others- perhaps before you have even fully received it for yourself. You will probably get excited and feel as though everyone needs to know what you have found. And so not matter how hard you try, especially with a partner, only they can choose to go on the journey themselves, and only they can help themselves. This can be frustrating….

If they don’t want to play at the same intensity & speed as you (i like to play very fast & hard), chances are it will be a very anxious, uncomfortable, scary, draining, tolling experience for them to ride along with. You will end up dragging them along. In my experience, you end up carrying your partner, giving them the best of your attention to try and support them as a “good boyfriend“ and ultimately this doesn’t serve either of you. 

It’s also worth noting, through this process of growth, you desires & standards for everything in your life are going to evolve a lot. Your going to get a lot clearer about what you want in every area of your life, they may be challenging to your old relationship. 

Consider that most relationships are not about growth, but about comfort. And once a relationship has set habits, it takes a lot of attention to change them. Consider the person you were when you created the habits in your current relationship, who you were when you began that relationship.

The importance of solitude is also something to consider. There’s some experiences they you can only have alone. You can travel the world for a decade, but never really meet yourself if you hide in crowds, in relationships and never truly embrace the ALL ONENESS of your own solitude. I believe everyone, or men at least, must go into the metaphorical & literal wilderness alone for sometime. That where you gets his stripes, his depth. 

Obviously its up to you. But most partnerships I see are two people comforting each other, and ultimately soothing each other into staying where they already are. Travelling solo forces you to interact with the world to a much greater degree, and you don’t really get these experiences when travelling with someone from your home country. Finally, dating around the world is an epic experience, and you get to experience how relationships are different across all cultures, and that what is acceptable, normal, elevated in your home culture, may not be actually what you want in relationship. 

It’s all growth either way. 

-Jay

Jay Topp is a 24 year old writer, marketer, film maker & self-led educator originally from Australia, now based in Buenos Aires, Argentina. You can see his films here. Instagram here. And his business website here.

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